“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.