Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Best seat on the street 😍
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.