me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Easy enough.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
#merica
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”