I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
me adding lol on a serious message
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
happy mother’s day❤️
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart