@badbanana: "Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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@jasonroeder: When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
@MicheleAKALips: Sometimes when I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying, "ok they're dead, what do I do with the body?"
@LeonEarlgrey: I'm like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
@heidi420x: I'm not interested in your cat unless it's on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.