“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?