When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Ugh
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.