Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
This is a whole mood;
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.