I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
That’s no pocket rocket.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler