@MyHairyLife: Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.
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@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.
@SatansTongue: *at church* "Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?" Ｉ ＯＦＦＥＲ ＭＹ ＦＩＲＳＴ ＢＯＲＮ ＣＨＩＬＤ "Jim no"
@8bitgun: almost called my teacher "mom," but I caught myself after "mo" and added an "n." I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.