Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.