I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
PLEASE READ
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness