Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
WHY?!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
⛄️
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast