Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.