Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
You Might Also Like
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move