[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
This rocks
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though