[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
CRYING
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?