@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.
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@Steelers1972: I know I'm getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.
@TheTimeIGotHigh: "I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green."