@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.
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@TheZachCozad: Can't get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".
@iwearaonesie: *wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
@Tmoney68: They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but I'm at Applebee's & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
@whostrevors: A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the "mid air" beach picture :(