A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
good work, everybody
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m literally crying