Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
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selfie game
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.