@iwearaonesie: Such bullshit that people stop saying "You ate it all! Good job!" once you reach a certain age
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@karencreets: I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
@AlexRogaski: Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.
@lovemydogduck: The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
@Just_Lee_: My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?