@iwearaonesie: Such bullshit that people stop saying "You ate it all! Good job!" once you reach a certain age
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@_Tempo11: My family's invaded my house for the weekend. As a side note my dog's been walked 18 times
@briancthayer: *discretely picks a booger* *slyly wipes it on her blouse* Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
@bourgeoisalien: Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You're about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage