@iwearaonesie: Such bullshit that people stop saying "You ate it all! Good job!" once you reach a certain age
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@iTweetNShit: $2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin' on virgin Indian tears.
@mrtruthandsoul: *breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
@jonnysun: "911 whats ur emergency" omg im DYING "we'll send someone right awa–" i met THE funiest guy "ok wait so ur not actualy–" AND HE STABBED ME
@gamecox93: Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.