Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
WHY?!
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?