@SteveDutzy: Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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@philgibson01: "This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash" What do you mean? "It's all denty"
@Erma_H_Gersh: 9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"
@TheBoydP: The "free milkshakes for a month" contest I just won is telling me my month's supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month...
@matt___nelson: 911: what's your emerg- ME: I'VE BEEN SHOT 911: ...why would you interrupt me like that?