Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
You Might Also Like
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Hitlers gonna hitl
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear