@SteveDutzy: Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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@peterjames48: "I don't have to outrun the bear! Just you!" Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."
@behindyourback: *a friend tells me their problems* me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?