@SteveDutzy: Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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@slimmy_shady: Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.
@living_marble: One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
@xLiserx: *First Date* Him: You've been really quiet. Everything ok? Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.