Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I can’t be the only one 😂
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board