@TheRobCee: Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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@myonlymizztake: Note to self: Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
@thatUPSdude: The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, "My place isn't that bad, I can go another week"
@thomaskeamon: I just learned today that Cardi B's real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
@NurseMurderer: taking cats to the vet is hard because you can't lie and be like, "we are going to the park!" since they don't want to go there either.