They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I want this so bad
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.