@juliussharpe: Sucks the USA lost. Now we can't keep watching TV at work.
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@Shock_Monster: If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick: My girlfriend.
@RexHuppke: My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible." Anyhoo, we're divorced now.
@sumpeoplelikeit: If you ask me where your glasses are, and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
@KalvinMacleod: [ice cream parlor] WIFE: I'll have two scoops of vanilla ME: me too, u could say I want an WIFE AND CLERK: please don't ME: ice cream clone