Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
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You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.