sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
What personal space?
My dog
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.