sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
You Might Also Like
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.