If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
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When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh