Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.