@jenhasgreathair: Sometimes I worry that maybe I'll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

@crushingbort: "Mr Bush, do you want my coke?" "Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away* "Hey kid...catch" *kid turns around to see incoming plane*

@SoNotBrendan: I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that's a lot of weed.

@joe_binkley: What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won't take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.