Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Just me?