the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift