Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*has no idea what a book even is*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”