Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic