The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question