Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Steam Forums
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.