@huntigula: *suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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@hippieswordfish: HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes? GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
@david8hughes: Reporter: are you nervous about the fight? Me nervously: no Reporter: he said he's going to 'rip your heart out' Me crying: but I need it
@13spencer: I'm sick and I'm going to work today; so if there's some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I'm your patient-zero.
@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe