*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.