*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.