suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
you stereotypes are all alike
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
#dalle2
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.