@50ShadesGran: Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."
@dreamthievin: A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
@jessicaa1017: Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say "when" and starts grating cheese on my salad I say nothing Room fills with Parmesan No one survives
@stockejock: Fool me once shame on you, Unless you're speaking Spanish, then that's eleven times and I probably deserved it.