Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
bought wrong eggs
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….