Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
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My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.