Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Oh the world we live in…
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.