sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
In Canada they just call them geese
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Yep.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris