“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.