@louisvirtel: "Suicide Squad" looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT
@omically: a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
@NoBadHairDays2: A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.