Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening