@djderk: Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
@GraceSpelman: My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
@TheDairylandDon: They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of "Bieber" every damn time
@BoogTweets: Judas: How long are your arms? Jesus: Why? Judas: Like in a cross, how long Jesus: A what? Judas:Across. How long across.