I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!