My dog learned how to text
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Me sliding into hell like
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.