STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
me logging onto twitter
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.