Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.