@lil_escher: summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking
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@NickSchug: If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
@notacroc: [Arriving late to work] Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
@_elvishpresley_: waiter: do you have any allergies? me: latex waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat me: airplanes