I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀