My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
🛁
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves